Dressed in rags, I showed up to the shelter to take Jessica to the grocery store. It was a day like any other except I was comfortable staying home and being lazy. A lazy heart is not a Kingdom heart. I hate to admit it, but I wasn't very Kingdom minded that day. I was led by duty and duty does nothing to please the Lord.
She was waiting on the curb when I arrived. I reached over and pulled the handle letting her in. Jessica had just returned from the Meth clinic. As a result, her speech was slurred, eyes half shut, and most of her sentences held little meaning. It took 60 seconds to cross from poverty to prestige. One house stood condemned and next to it stood a mansion. Silent sidewalks. Invisible lines...
We neared the local Starbucks and Jessica perked up. She begged for the detour so we pulled in. As soon as the door opened, the stench of self-righteousness filled the air. I may have been wearing the heaviest of its perfume. Every eye was upon us and every eye had cast judgment. I cast judgement. I became embarrassed of her behavior, her words, her dress that I forgot my own dress. Five minutes she poured sugar crystals, now coating her undrinkable latte. I had made my excuse for her, but the barista had grace waiting on the counter. Jessica graciously took her new drink and we walked out. Her proud. Me ashamed. Having a heart that serves didn't make me righteous and my emotions only made me human.
Nonetheless, I wanted to go home. I was selfish. I was prideful. I didn't want to be her. And then she said it..."Taste my drink." Me, "No. I have my own. I'm sure yours is fine." "Try it. It doesn't taste right. See?" Me, "No." This time she meant her words, "TRY MY DRINK." It was a moment of rejection. So, I drank and as I drank she announced..."I got tested for AIDS this week."
Silence. I could feel my throat swelling by the second.
And then...if verbal rejection wasn't enough...I spit her drink on my window.
"It came back negative. That's one good thing, right?" Me, "Wonderful!" I had a double meaning. I was scared. I knew AIDS could not be passed through saliva, but I couldn't help but wonder what other disease she carried. I looked at her as a stray dog and I questioned every reason I was in that home. Why God had me there. Why my husband insisted I lead a Bible study.
We drove around the corner to the grocery store. The stares worsened. My heart worsened. All I wanted was Scope or soap, anything that would rid the distaste of my mouth and heart. Jessica became loud with the customers and employees. At one point in the check out line, one woman looked ME up and down. She judged me. She labeled me. She did NOT like me. I made her sick. I made myself sick. My eyes said "Stop it!" My heart screamed, "I am NOT HER! I am NOT her! I AM NOT HER!" Could she see my heart? How I had become?
I had a few minutes by myself as Jessica ran in for something she forgot. I cried. I screamed. I called my husband. I texted a friend for prayer. Prayer...Prayer to protect MY body. I should have asked for a heart surgeon.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9
That's when my life began to change. I looked like Jessica that day. My ripped jeans, torn sweatshirt, dirty feet...on the outside, in that neighborhood, I was her equal. On the inside...The VERY LEAST, desperate for Truth to invade a very mislead heart. Who was I to place myself above her? I KNEW better! Jessica knew no Truth.
I built a healthy life. Worked to make it good. Desired to "DO good." But I forgot my deepest need. His fulfillment.
The heart unites us. Makes us the same. That's why He came...to save the lost. Bind the broken-hearted. Heal the heart. Fulfill the law, fulfill the need. To give new life. Life in Him. Peace in Him. Joy in Him. He came for the least. We are least.
I believed I knew His Image. I only knew my own. And then I saw it. I saw the mirror. My mirror, shattering into a million pieces. Every lie disguised as truth fell broken to the ground. My image laid scattered at the cross. An empty mirror. Fragments now reflecting the heavens. His image seen, not my darkness. Heavenly light that breaks through cracks, destroys darkness, and offers grace. My identity claimed. Grace humbly received. An invitation accepted. This woman made whole. A future confirmed. His love that saved my soul.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
Ephesians 4:22-24
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