The Least of These-Part 2

When the mirror shatters, you finally see who you are...

I thought I knew who I was. Simple. Secure. Quiet. Strong. Steady. But when the pieces were scattered on the floor so was my identity.

I knew what I wanted out of life and I thought I had done a pretty good job attaining those dreams. I'd like to think that I have been pretty grounded in life itself. Living large has never really appealed to me. Money was never an issue, I just wanted to be stable. (My teacher's salary was proof at the end of 5 years. Not sure I ever exceed 20k and there was never a pressing need to drive the nicest car, wear or carry designer clothes or handbags. I was secure in the comforts of what I had and what I had/have is pretty good. That's not to say that I don't like to shop or lack a love of shoes and handbags. Believe me, this gal loves to shop!... I just don't crave the love of this world.

In my mirror, held by my own glue, stood a confident woman, who went to this home to share God's good Word with a hurting world...so I thought.

When I looked into Jessica's eyes I couldn't help but see a version of myself. The version I could potentially become. She was a junkie, attending a Methadone clinic daily to wean her off her addiction to Oxy. I felt bad for her. I saw her need and internally gave thanks for not being her. Terrible isn't it? That I would automatically think this? But, I did. I stood in that cold room less than a foot away from her, so close to the touch. I was intrigued by her, but my pride put us miles apart. I began to question my purpose in this home. In that moment, however, God extended a bridge. "Hold her," Jessica said. Reaching out, she place her the child in my arms. She wore a smile that proudly announced her name. "Cadence." My heart immediately locked into this child. "Cadence," I echoed. A pause before the end of a strain. The point of rest. God knew I needed Cadence. The pause at which life abruptly stops and the mirror shatters.

Several months passed when I received an unexpected call from the Director of the home. "Makaela, I need you to come over...it's Jessica."

The winter's chill greeted me at the door. My hands trembling, but not at its will. As I approached, I saw Gloria. Her dark, blank stare matched her stammering words. "She's upstairs." It wasn't ten seconds before I was running through her door. "Jessica!" I screamed. Her body was unresponsive. Breathing, yes, but no life in her eyes. Below her limp body, a bed intended for rest. A physical reminder of our peace in Christ. Our Comforter. Our shelter.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

She was a zombi. Her lifeless hands laid cold. Reaching for her chin, I quietly whispered her name again. How desperately we needed God. "Intercede, Abba!" my soul cried. "Jessica, look at my eyes." 

Silence. Darkness. Oppression. Fear. 

Her lips moved. Eyes drifted towards mine. She clumsily spoke my name. And then...that beautiful smile. "Praise you, Father!" I breathed a sigh of relief. "That you would see us here in this moment. Surrounded by horror." Minutes passed when she finally came around. Cadence had woke from her nap. Crying for milk, Jessica grabbed a spoiled bottle and put it in the baby's mouth. "I'll fix her a new one," I offered. "Show me where you keep the formula." Her nervous laugh spoke a thousand words as she fumbled for anything that looked new. 

I couldn't help but think of all the spoiled milk I drank over the years. Feeding on lies. Living on words that destroyed my soul. I, like Eve, learned to cover my sin, deceiving my own heart of the nourishment I so desperately needed-The Bread of Life. John 6

"...The serpent deceived me and I ate." Genesis 3:13

Like Cadence, like me, she too needed to be fed. Making our home on the aged floor, I turned to the Gospels. We talked about God seeing us and knowing our needs. Rescuing us. Wanting to be the lover of our hearts. Her coherence was limited. Her mind would engage for only a minutes time. In mid-sentence, she would slip away and her mind was gone. Hugging my knees during those barren moments, utterances of Truth flowed from my lips. "You love her. You see her. You know her...You love me. You see me. You know me." She wanted the Word. She wanted REST, but rest was stolen.

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop-a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear." Matthew 13:3-9

I wish I could say the seed fell on good soil. I left that day with a hole in my heart. I left with a burden for her to feed and be satisfied with the Bread of Life.

I left that day with a burden that I, too, would feed and be satisfied with his life. Sitting on the floor that day confirmed the wrestling in my heart. I am here because of Him, and HE is here for ME.

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35