Watching and Waiting: Our Journey to Pregnancy

Things hoped for...beauty, truth, joy, love, LIFE

It's amazing how God can work in only three little months; how you can live the majority of your life knowing the word and knowing the Father, but not fully experience his love the way he intended.

I just looked at my last post from the beginning of January. I've opened up my blog countless times to write, but the time never seems right. That and I keep hearing the Lord say "Wait". As I re-read that post, I smiled because what I prayed for was a CHANGED HEART and a genuine TRANSFORMATION. And friends, I just want to tell you that God has done that very thing. He has changed my heart in so many ways I am bursting at the seems to share...and I will...in time.

For now, though, I am learning more and more about HIS GLORY, his HOLINESS and his LOVE in my life. And as strangely as this may seem to understand, I am finally GETTING HIM and SEEING him with the eyes of my heart (Eph.1) It's taken a long time to wrap my mind around the depth of his love for me, but now at 31, I am in fact "getting it."

The other night Jason had me listen to a sermon by a pastor in Austin, Tx

who used these words to describe his journey over the past several years..."I'm finally getting it." I looked at Jason several times during the message and threw my arms up and"Amen(ed)" his words because he, the pastor, though had already asked the Lord into his life, didn't understand what God's love was really about until adulthood. He went on to share how God revealed his glory to his heart so that he would not just KNOW the love of God, and not just WANT to BE THERE, but EMBRACED and BELIEVED the love of God showered upon his life and heart.

And...that is where I am today, three months later, EMBRACING and BELIEVING God's love for me and I am more free than I ever thought and like I said am itching to share the work of God and his transformation of my heart.

...now...on to my reason for writing...

It seems the most popular question people have been asking Jason and me lately is "When are you going to have more kids?" or an even better question, "Don't you WANT more kids?"

YES. We would LOVE to have more children...but it has been a difficult process for us. As with many couples, we have struggled with infertility for the past 6 years. Two years in, I conceived with Lillie. What seemed like a long journey back then had nothing on the past four years of our struggle with infertility. We did many tests our "first" go around, Clomid + FSH shots, metaformin, (5) IUI's, I've had my tubes injected with dye, etc. The first doctor we saw diagnosed me with PCOS and told me I was overweight. That's a hard one to swallow. So, I went on a "diet" that lasted all of 3 weeks. I was so discouraged. At the end of the 18 months, I told Jason I was done with all the testing. My emotions were shot and the little hope I had to get pregnant seemed to be fading. It was so hard to look at a pregnancy test each month only to see it come back negative. I would cry (in private) every time a friend announced her pregnancy and eventually I stopped attending anything that had to do with women in our church because it seemed that every conversation led back to motherhood. I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't get pregnant but others could. It seemed that all some women had to do was say the word "baby" and they were magically preggos. It hurt....no, it killed.

Even worse has been the comments made by mothers who make statements out of ignorance such as "you're not a parent until you have 2 kids." Truthfully, if my flesh were writing this post, I'd probably tell you I wanted to throw a brick at them, but that wouldn't be nice. Instead I have sobbed uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home not just for myself but for all the women I know who desire to be a mother, but cannot. I only mention this because I think of how it has made me feel and I think about all the other women who struggle with Infertility (and Miscarriage) and I simply want to protect them. Those who struggle with infertility and miscarriage usually suffer in silence. Hearing statement like that causes more harm than good. As one of these women, I pray I can encourage you to come together as the body of Christ and lift your sisters up. Having others who have rallied around me and have prayed WITH me has been the greatest encouragement through these long years of Infertility.

...on with our story...

We switched doctors at 21 months and I fell in love with our new Dr. partly because he was an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan but mainly because he was pro-active in doing whatever we wanted to pursue. We conceived Lillie that March. Six weeks prior to conceiving I went forward to pray after a Wednesday night church service. My father-in-law had preached on claiming the land that God has given to us. I remember speaking to the Lord about fasting; something I had never done. With the Lords approval, I spent the next six weeks fasting in prayer and I found myself craving that time with him more than I craved anything else. This may sound strange, but my heart had become so hardened to the pain that I had forgotten how to cry...EXCEPT during this fast. I can't tell you how many times I would look down at my desk only to see it drenched with tears.

I had picked up my Clomid the first week of March. Around the same time, my mother-in-law and I went to hear Beth Moore speak to pastor's wives in Chattanooga, TN. I just love hearing Beth speak and that weekend was so refreshing as God used her to speak his words of truth over our lives. I remember going forward to pray at the end of the last session and I wept...again...and yet I couldn't shake this little feeling. I knew I was pregnant...I just didn't want to take a test.

Sure enough, I was...WITHOUT the clomid.

Fast forward-------->

Lillie is 4. We have been to the doctor and done every test as before so my most favorite Dr. in the world has now "passed me on" to the specialist. Grrrr. Did I mention I love him? But honestly, my new Dr. is absolutely wonderful. I don't know if she is a believer, but she sure seems interested in the things of the Lord. After sitting with her 2 weeks ago and discussing our history, her exact words were: "Given your history, I don't know how you even got pregnant with Lillie." To which I said, "I DO...GOD" and with a small nod, she smiled. We only have 2 more options left and if either do not work, "there is really no explanation" to why I cannot get pregnant. I just can't. Truthfully, if this is the road for us on our journey, I am at peace. We already have our "miracle" child and she is the most precious child with a heart for the Lord and for others...

So to answer the ever popular question, "Do you want more kids?" YES. A Big Emphatic YES. MORE THAN EVER.

Here is where you all come in. Knowing our history, Please pray for us! We have pursued everything from testing, medication and shots to filling out applications for adoption both stateside and internationally. As my husband said, "The womb of the woman is in the hand of the Lord" and just as he showed his glory and power in our lives through Lillie, I know he is faithful to do it again.