She Will Treasure Her Next Breath for Eternity

November 2~ In 2 days, it will be almost a month since I last blogged. Why, you ask? So much has happened that to write it all would take forever. I have laughed with friends to the point of almost busting a gut, cried as other friends tore our family and church family apart with their tongue, watched my husband age 10 years in one night as a result, laughed at God's sense of humor as he has taken me on this winding journey, wept at the realization that what I felt called to in life seemed to be slipping through my hands, prayed for restoration in my heart and to be filled with his everlasting joy and peace, and I must say that He has gone above and beyond fulfillment in my life! In the midst of our journey this last month, God has been so good. From the ups and downs to celebrating life with friends and embracing new friends, God has blessed me tremendously. Of the many lessons that I have learned, forgiveness has been on the top and the most sweet.

I attended the Peacemakers conference in Washington D.C. back in October with a friend. Though I was there as a vendor for Living Bread Ministries, I had the opportunity to sit under some amazing men of God as they preached truth about forgiveness from the pulpit. Men like Joshua Harris, Ken Sande (Peacemaker President), Thabiti Anyabwile, and Bishop Efraim Tender (Bishop Ef) spoke directly into my life. I walked into that conference thinking that I had a pretty good understanding of forgiveness...boy was I wrong...I didn't have a clue. In fact, during Joshua Harris' sermon, I thought to myself "I get it; who doesn't" but then found myself crying at the end of every sermon thereafter.

Unfortunately, we live in a sin-infested world made up of dirty, rotten sinners...myself included. So it is to be expected that people will let us down, hurt us, say mean things about us behind our backs and to our face, dampen our spirits, suck the life out of us, destroy our confidence, crush our trust, test our friendship, rob us of joy, take advantage of us, and the list goes on. Pain caused by others is a terrible thing to carry...but we do, and we do it grudgingly.

At times, we force ourselves to act the "Christian" way, but because our hearts aren't rooted in the truth of God's word about WHO he is IN our lives, we sink in the ocean of bitterness, anger and resentment. Revenge becomes our game and we become the master at making revenge look good. We deceive all those watching as we play the role of the victim when behind the scenes we are the villain.

I realize there are areas in my life where forgiveness has lacked, and not because I have unknowingly overlooked my circumstances, but because I have chosen that the road to forgiveness was a heavier load than I desired to carry. However, little did I know, I have actually carried that burden for far too long. So long, in fact, that the burden of un-forgiveness has been disguised as self-pity and the only thing that un-forgiveness produced was torment of my own soul...in other words, I've deceived myself which is a prime example of this double role: victim/villain.

While our feelings may be justified, it is always important to remember that we ourselves, have just been forgiven. So by not extending forgiveness we become hypocrites. And by "we" I mean children of God; one who recognizes he/she is a no-good, dirty-rotten sinner, who never does anything right, is a constant screw-up, destined for hell and deserving the penalty of sin...death, YET understands the depth to which God went when he sent Jesus Christ, his ONLY son to pay the debt we owed by bearing all the weight of sin upon his shoulders and dying a gruesome death on the cross. But He didn't stop there! No, He ROSE. And today, he LIVES...and he guides, and he speaks to the hearts of all those who follow him. And that is why we can forgive. Because we realize that we should be on that cross taking our last breath. (see John 3:16)

So, here I was, this 30 year old woman who thought she had it all together...who thought she had forgiven...who then realize that forgiveness was more than just saying you are sorry. Yup, this 30 year old woman realized that true forgiveness meant that I had been forgiven as well.

I wanted to attend a certain workshop the 2nd morning at the conference and evidently so did everyone else because there were no seats or standing room available. So I did what everyone else did who couldn't get in...I found another room. Except I chose not to go to another workshop. Instead, I went back in the main auditorium where singer/songwriter, Christa Wells was rehearsing for the evening session. Her music was even more beautiful in that moment than when I heard before. What I loved the most was all her mistakes, because I knew in the end that God heard the heart of her melody. At the end of the first session, Christa played her song Weightless to the audience. I happened to look around and an elderly man caught my attention. As she sang the words, "Repentance is weightless...Forgiveness is weightless...so I'll leave my burden on the track" he began to weep and immediately my heart felt compassion for this man. It was evident that the Lord was speaking to him...Fast Fwd...the next morning I'm sitting in the auditorium as Christa is practicing and I begin to hear the Lord speak to my heart, showing and revealing...

That large room began to shrink in size as I sat in the same chair I sat in the night before...I began to pray, "Lord, I don't know why I am here." I pulled out a study and began looking intently at its content when the Lord begins to reveal my heart and then it hit me. All that I used to be and all that I am is displayed in a shameful cloak that I wear day in and day out. And in that moment, I became extremely anxious because I was feeling as if the enemy had me by the elbow and was parading me around for all to see. Every person I spoke to, Every eye that stared back at me...I had to look away because I was waiting for condemnation from every person I met. Here I was surrounded by hundreds of caring and wonderful people...and I just wanted to go home.

I listened to message after message that weekend on forgiveness. Joshua Harris..."We have just left the throne room" (Matthew 18), Ken Sande "In the midst of horrible suffering, God is always up to something good." (Genesis 37), Thabiti Anyabwile "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free and realizing the prisoner is you." Bishop Ef, "Choosing to forgive brings a life of blessing."

What I learned came several days later as I sat on my patio reading from Completely Forgiven by Shannon Ethridge. As I opened my study I began to read of the adulterous woman in John 8:1-11. If you're not familiar, this woman was brought before Jesus by a group of men (religious men, not followers of Christ) who wanted nothing more than to make a spectacle out of Jesus...they wanted to "pin him" by asking him what to do with this woman because, by law, this woman was to be stoned for her adultery. Can you imagine being pelted by rocks until death? That was what this woman was waiting for. Jesus looked at those men, looked at her and knelt down. That morning, as I read, I identified with this woman, not as an adulterer, but as a woman covered in shame. Having no confidence to stand and speak, this woman was defeated, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Jesus begins writing in the sand and as Shannon Ethridge describes the scene, the men begin to wonder what he's writing. Is he writing the names of the men who slept with this woman or perhaps another prostitute? Is he calling them out for their own sin? Then Jesus tells the men to "Go ahead and stone her." I can picture the woman now taking her last breath. But then Jesus stops and says, "Let he who has no sin, cast the first stone" and immediately stones begin to plummet to the earth. One by one, they hit. With her eyes shut tightly and fists clenched, she hears Jesus whisper,"Woman, where are your accusers? Is there anyone left?" "No one" she replies...AND THEN the greatest moment of her life..."Neither do I condemn you" Christ proclaims.

She will treasure her next breath for eternity.

The more I though about this woman, the more I saw myself standing before my heavenly Father begging for him to see my point of view and all the wrongs done to me. When I read Christ's words to the Pharisees, "Go ahead, stone her" I thought to myself, "boy do I deserve it" but then Christ says "let he who has no sin cast the first stone"...WOW...in that moment when the stones are falling one by one, God shows me that the stone is actually in my own hand!

I am standing on both sides. I am the woman waiting to be stoned AND the accuser. But, I have had that stone so tight that I have forgotten that it was even in my hand. And I realize as the Lord shows me, that the burden of un-forgiveness is too heavy to carry and that I cannot bear that load on my own. Nor is it my place to stand as God passing judgement. Because as much as my flesh does not want to admit this, those I have either harbored bitterness or un-forgiveness towards also stand behind the same Christ I am hidden behind. And Christ stands not to condemn, but to forgive (see Romans 8:1), therefore we stand not condemned, but forgiven! The stone is not mine nor yours to throw, nor is it our burden to carry. And in that moment of understanding forgiveness...I heard my stone drop to the earth.

So the question some of you might have is "what if the person you are to forgive has never asked the Lord into to heart to be their King? What if they don't know the Lord? What if they don't even believe there is a God?"

I'll answer you with this. This adulterous woman was not a believer nor the pharisees and yet Christ stood with this woman and showed her the depth of his love for her by going before her. This is the man I crave to know more! This is the Christ I long to go deeper with.

A month ago, I would have closed my eyes and seen all that I wrestled with. Today, I close my eyes and I see Christ standing directly in front of me telling me that he goes before me. I no longer have to worry about the days of yesterday for they are covered in his blood. And because he stands on my behalf, I realize that he does that for everyone else as well. And that, my friends, is forgiveness.

Check out these other links as well:

Peacemakers Conference

Living Bread Ministries: Planting Churches Among the Desperately Poor

Christa Wells

They have all impacted my life in a tremendous way and I know that you will be blessed as well.