I Trust God, but I Don't

I trust God, but I don't.

I stole this from my five-year old and altered her words. I normally hear, "I do, but I don't." Those five words have irked me more times than I care to share. "I do love you, mom, but I don't." "I do like it, but I don't."  For the longest time, I made sure she knew that didn't make sense to me, but the more I hear it, the more I see it in myself. And it makes me think that maybe, just maybe she gets something I haven't quite grasped yet.

I trust God, but I don't. I love God, but I don't. I like the things of God, but I don't. I like the people of God, but I don't. I like people [in general], but I don't. I like His ways, but I don't. I get love, but I don't. I get there is a God, but I don't.

But I don't...

"Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:6

How does someone not believe in God? I've struggled with this question for months now. Hearing loved ones adamantly deny God's existence ruffles my feathers just a bit. Everything in this world screams God. We see it with our eyes, hear it in creation's song. He IS with every breath we take and yet somehow we take credit for that as well.  It's just that this particular mindset doesn't sit well in the pit of my stomach. Kind of like that feeling you get when you develop relationship within friendship only to find it being discredited shortly after. You feel small, unimportant, and left behind. No longer wanted. To say that God does not exist is to attempt the dissolve of intimacy He longs to create.  It's sad to me. It would be like me acknowledging the presence of my daughter one day and denying her existence the next. That would kill her. I know God's emotions are not like my own, but I would hate to know how He truly feels when we just throw Him by the wayside, never giving Him a chance.

But the more I think about it the more I see my own unbelief as no different and equally as sad. You see, if I didn't believe God existed than I wouldn't believe in His creation. (Gen. 1) Therefore, I wouldn't believe that He created me. That would mean that I have no concept of God. Common logic says that if I do not believe that God exists then I cannot have a view of Him. If I don't have a view of Him, then I cannot place any doubt in Him. If He doesn't exist, I never have to question Him. Never. (because I would believe He is not there, remember?)

However...If I do believe that God exists, but I do not believe that God rewards my seeking Him, you can label me a doubter. "I believe. Lord, help my unbelief." (Mark 9:23) This is just as bad, don't you think? If you verbally say you believe, but internally reject the blessing. [This is NOT what happened in Mark 9-just using the words as an example. You'll hear the rest in a few paragraphs.]

Believing in God's existence but not believing that His presence and power is meant for my personal life is, in essence, denying the opportunity to receive God as He desires to give of Himself. I'm not denying God's existence but I am denying His love. Denying the opportunity to experience His heart. Denying relationship. So, just like the atheist, I am denying God. It's rejection all over again.

This is harsh, I know. But stay with me. 

We all have problems. All walk through hardship. All question the purpose of life and why God would allow our circumstances. To deny God altogether leaves us to find the answers alone with no guidance. No wisdom. No discernment. God's intent for darkeness is to draw us to light. It's to draw us to Him. To intimacy the way God intended. Not intimacy defined by the world. Godly intimacy.

God wants to respond to us. He wants to relate to us. Wants us to relate to Him. I think the first step in doing this, in walking in Truth, is to acknowledge our unbelief. Like the father in Mark 9, we must realize that man is limited in wisdom and power. Bringing his demon-possesed son to the disciples, he saw that though they loved and followed Jesus, it was only by the power of God through Jesus that this unclean spirit would be removed. You see, the father tried to find healing apart from Jesus, but nothing worked. Living his childhood at the reigns of this spirit, danger lurked with each step the boy took. It wasn't until the father asked Jesus for help, did this spirit leave the boy's body. If you read the account in scripture you'll notice that Jesus gave only one instruction. Believe.

I think it is important to point out that this father recognized, in that moment, that he believed just enough, but needed to be accountable for what hid beneath. Unbelief. It was that, "I believe, but I don't" moment.  By acknowledging his unbelief, he communicated with Jesus that he needed help to fully believe because he wasn't strong enough to do it alone.

Like this father, it is important for us to take ownership for the true condition of our heart. Call our unbelief for what it is: sin. And then, ask for help, saying out lout to God, I believe in you, but help my unbelief. Unbelief is what makes us the greatest in need. Truth is, I find myself in need every day because every day I have to ask God to help my unbelief. He knows who we are, so let's be honest with Him. To say "I do, but I don't" says I desire to trust, to believe, but I desperately need help. I think God is okay with our honesty. Honesty builds relationships and in the end, it builds the intimacy God longs for us to experience.

Beyond the Longing

Today is Good Friday. The day every person either believes in or rejects. The day Christ stood before the world and the world crucified Him. The day the gospel took full effect. 

I often wonder how I would be if Christ were not my life. How I would be if He were not near? Would I know my place? My purpose? Feel accepted and fully loved? Would I hold my wrongdoings so tightly that to squeeze would cause mayhem? Would I know forgiveness? Or how to extend it to others?  I can only imagine the havoc my unbelief would wreak if I did not believe in His existence. Unbelief makes us the Least. 

• Hebrews 11:6-"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Christ had friends. Good friends. Friends he broke bread with. Friends who drank from His cup. Can you hear the roar of their laughter at the table? He enjoyed His friends. Spent time with them. Listened to them. Even when their jealousy of one another surfaced, Christ pointed back to truth. Himself. He knew the Least and those who sat at His feet knew they were the Least He came to fill. They didn't mind being the Least because when they were with Him, He made them great. The women too. They loved His presence. He loved the women. He fought for them, filled the longing they so desperately needed. Gave them worth. Restored their dignity. Encouraged their worship causing the men to see the importance of every moment with the Lord. He built relationships. Relationships that lasted. 

I can see Him on this day, walking the crowded streets. A little boy runs out to meet Him. A tear hits the earth. Creation feels his sorrow. Brushing his fingers through the boys hair, Christ smiles and keeps walking always remembering the lunch he gave. Each step a reminder of earth. The reminder of His call: Claim His creation knowing they will disown Him. Triumph over death. 

He approaches the Least. Meets their gaze. Their eyes the portal to their souls. Darkness. They refuse to believe God in flesh. Leave Him for the wolves. Heavy words fulfill His destiny. "Crucify Him" rolls from dark lips. Gloating demons raise high their banners for victory they think they've won. He approaches the hill He created third day. His own creation held Him as blood dripped life from His veins. One last drink. Three final words. 

"It is finished."

Satan shows his face to God. Cheers in victory. Thwarting Christ's mission. No breath, No life, No mission. 

The Least walk away. The Least stay near. Creation shakes as Christ fulfills God's promise. Through death is life. Some never know, because they never believe He existed. Some choose to walk away knowing He looked in their eyes. Some stay near, reflect on greatness. Some humbled at love's distance. Some humbled by freedom. Some. Some walked. Some stayed. But ALL are Least. 

There He lay flesh limp for decay. What happened in the tomb no eye would see, but the Spirit of God descended on He. White robes did lay as light beckoned day, but no flesh did stay. 

The Least approached His tomb. One woman with faith to obey, believed His existence and reward was on its way. God rewards those who seek Him. Belief became her faith. Her seeking  was rewarded, the first to see His face. 

Satan thought he had won. That catalyst moment in history became a revolution of setting people free. 

It's okay to be the Least. It's who He loves and why He died and why He rose. Rejoice, for there is purpose in the Least.  

When Silence Kills You-The Least-Part 1

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat." Mother Teresa

How do I know that I am THE LEAST OF THESE? I often wonder how anyone knows when our masks are worn so thick there is no room for truth to breathe. But take off the masks and our own heart knows the aching need that haunts us in the dark. It's why we fill our days with tedious, yet meaningless tasks. Why we can't put the phone down or close the computer. It's why we never want to be alone. The silence kills us. Leaves the mind consumed with the need and we ache till we can bare no more. We wear the mask to conceal the pain.

Isn't it time we be honest with ourselves? Sit in the silence, scrub off the layers and address our brokenness?

I am the Least......Are YOU?

How do you know?

I am going to attempt to answer this question over the next several weeks, looking at two-three answers at a time. If you have questions, PLEASE ASK THEM or email me here, so I can do my best to answer correctly and honestly. It's why God keeps putting this on my heart, so please, ASK, and GIVE ME FEEDBACK. I want your feedback.

In video 1 of The Least of These series, I referenced Matthew 25:35-36

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me 

something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and 

you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and 

you came to visit me."

Christ says in verse 40, "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." There is nothing like meeting the physical need of another, especially when your heart recognizes it's God whom you are blessing. 

In video 1, we go one step further. The heart. The broken, the hurt, the unwanted, the forgotten, the prideful, the rich man, the untouchables. Remember, it's easy to lump the "needy" to those who have a physical need. And the truth is, God gives us countless examples of lives who were desperate for physical healing, but He gave them more than healed bodies. He healed their weary souls. When those who were healed finally saw the answer to their need, their constant ache in their soul was replaced with the presence of God. A filling like none other. God's physical healing caused hearts to see. People not only changed on the outside, but their hearts were led to Truth. They were led to God Himself, the only filling that makes one whole.

Is that what you want, too? A heart that sees? A heart that wants answers? A heart that craves Truth? To be whole? Do you sit in the silence of the night and feel the ache of your heart? If so, You are The Least. You may not have a physical need that needs attending, but your soul does. Success may not be your problem, but loneliness is.  You fill your days to distract your longings, but when night draws near your heart beckons company. You crave Truth and Honesty, but you cannot find it because where you are searching Truth and Honesty do not exist. 

Please don't give up. Don't let go. There is an answer and your longing is telling you. Listen to it. It's why God gave it to you, so you don't have to walk alone, unwanted, uncared for, forgotten. 

You are The Least and because of this, You have a Hope. His name is Christ.

He came for The Least. 

............

Upcoming posts:

Beyond this longing, How do I know I am The Least: Scriptures criteria.

Fight!!!

The enemy is really hard to fight, is he not? Most of the time I am able to stand against his schemes by standing firmly in truth. But there are seasons I go through when truth seems so hard to grasp. When the answers aren't concrete and my mind has difficulty understanding my circumstances. Those are the days when he is at his finest. Those are the days I feel beaten with the devil's broom stick. The days I physically have to choose truth whether it makes sense in the moment or not.  You know what I choose? I choose to speak. I choose to fight. I fight because I am chosen. Hand picked by the Great, I AM. The enemy wants me to cower in the corner. He wants to silence my voice, put me back in the cage because he knows God is up to something big, works that are miraculous.  I could crouch in the corner silenced at his lies. I did crouch, but that woman hugging her knees is not me. Not the me God created me to be. So no! I fight. I refuse to be silent. Silence will not define me because the Spirit He gave to me is not a spirit of fear. It is power. Power in my sword. Power to speak Truth. Power to rebuke the enemy. Power by the name of Jesus Christ. No enemy shall conquer me, because "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4

My Child

My Child,

You have been searching for me, but you know not where I sit. I am not in some far away place or in a desolate land. I am here with you now waiting for you to call upon me. Maybe you fear I won’t listen or will turn my head from you. Maybe you think I don’t exist and am not worthy to be called upon. Have you heard my name too many times that you have become numb to me? My relationship for you cannot be based around numbness. My love for you is greater and deeper than you give me credit for. I am so much more than what you have perceived me to be. I am not a God in heaven who is waiting for you to make mistakes so I can punish you for walking wrongly. I am the God who holds your head up and catches all your many tears. You wonder where I am, but I have been here all along. I have not put you in a box limiting what you can say or do. You have put me in a box limiting my power for your life. The way out is through me. You cannot force the path I have for you. If you do, you will become frustrated because that path is led by you alone and you hold no ability to see the future. My child, I hold no record of wrong.  You are free when you are in my hands. Don’t just hear me and walk away. Don’t become hardened to the love I have waiting for you. It is sweeter than any kind a man could ever offer. I love you , My Child. That is the greatest of all. No man can fill what you are searching for. No man can fill the longing you have in your heart.  Nor can any substance fill your desires or cravings. It is only I who can satisfy what your heart desires. Only I. Our relationship can be so sweet if only you would let me in. Fight for me. Pursue me. Do not become hardened to me because of what man has said or done to you. I have life waiting for you. Follow me alone and my leading for your life. When you sense me speaking to your soul, listen and don’t run. The box you live in was not created by me. I did not put those walls or limitations in your mind, you did. So knock them down and step outside. Have the courage to wake up. IT IS TIME, MY CHILD. IT IS TIME. Take a stand for what you believe. Take a stand for me and what is right. I am ALL you need to live for. I want you to swim in the ocean of my love. I want you to be wrapped in my arms, covered in my goodness and grace and when the time comes when man offers his love, know that I will bring you a love that will far surpass the temporary fix man has to offer.

You will get through the valleys you are walking because you are taking my hand. Though you do not deserve my love I want to shower you in it. Be faithful to me. Set me apart in your mind the way I have set you apart. You are special; one of a kind. I have created no one else with your heart because I love you. I want you to be committed to me. Whatever has been done in the past, I will forgive you, but seek me. Do not live in the past. Do not love your sin. It will only separate us from having a pure relationship with one another. You have been hurt and your answer is to run. My child, run into my presence today. I will give you what you need. The love I have for you is right and pure. I am eager to hold you in my arms. Trust me today and then walk trusting me everyday no matter what may happen in your life. Your world may be in shambles, but I hold all the pieces. I will fit them together again if you let me, but let me do it my way. Walk in what I have for you now not an inch ahead. When you hear my Spirit, listen. Let wisdom be your guide. Guard your heart for it is the most vulnerable place for the enemy to attack. Rest in my love. Trust my love. I will show you how to guard your heart. I will give you the wisdom to know when to offer it and the wisdom to know when to pull it back. Seek after me. Find my truth for your life and know my truth, for My TRUTH is what will lead you to do right. My truth is my word and in it is the wellspring of life. Allow me to cleanse you. The filth of this world has made its nest in your heart. It’s time to clean it out so that I may begin to bring in my blessings for you.  My child, my truth will set you free. You are free to live outside that box. Free to walk in truth, my truth. I will set you free. My freedom is awaiting you, take my hand. Now is the time.

With ALL I Am,

Your Father

Psalm 25:5, Psalm 26:3, Psalm 40:11, Psalm 43:3, Psalm 51:6, Psalm 86:11, Psalm 145:18, Proverbs 23:3, Isaiah 45:19, John 3:21; John 8: 31-32, John 14:6, John 14:17, John 16:13, 1 Corinthians 13:6, Ephesians 6:14, 1 Peter 1:22, 1 John 3:18-19, 3 John 1:4

The Least of These-Part 4

I remember the night Jessica came into Bible study high on Meth. Her body was present, but nothing else. We were talking about the love of God that night. How God sees us even when only our body is present. It's easy for our minds to slip away. Like Jessica, we can easily walk numb through life missing His presence.

Actually, for those of us who do believe [that God would love us enough to send Christ and die in our place] have to fight complacency leaving God sitting in the next chair, never engaging in relationship. Like Jessica, we cope through life but miss the presence of God.

I couldn't help but watch her that night as I spoke. I wanted to shake her, wake her from the dead. But it would do no good. She was gone. Present in a world that only exists to the soul drifting in the wind. This soul never finds a home. The soul that wanders. Searching for acceptance, love, healing, peace. We all search. We all long.

Tomorrow I get the opportunity to sit AS a Board Member in the interview process for our next In-House Director.

Did you catch that? Yes I said it. I am now OFFICIALLY on Board...ON BOARD!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOO

I am super-duper-excited about this because, for no other explanation, I feel God has called me to this. To be a part of this ministry for women. The place that God used to speak into my soul is now a place where I can "officially" give back.

Please, please, please, PRAY for me as I learn to lead. PRAY for the right woman who will lead daily in this home, PRAY for us as we sit and interview tomorrow that we will be led by wisdom and discernment. PRAY for the remaining positions to be filled in our leadership of the Board. Of the current four Board Members, all four are retiring. We have a Treasurer and myself and are praying for the other two positions to be filled. I know without a doubt that God already has hand-picked these individuals and I cannot wait to meet them.

I appreciate you all...my readers, my friends. It means so much to know that others take their time to read what I feel led to share from my heart. You literally have no idea how much it means to know that all over the world, I have friends reading, encouraging, laughing with, sharing tears, supporting, and praying. From the deepest place in my heart, THANK YOU!!!

When Darkness Pushes

There are times when nights seem long. Nights when questions must cease and silence increase. We all have nights like these. Nights that are long. Nights drawn to words that speak no truth. Pull us in and drowns out light. When loneliness fills the air. Thoughts drift in particles ceiling high. Shadows bring no comfort. The mind the enemy. 

 I lay in silence. In darkness. Think through life. The memories that remain. Turning pages. I am six. Red bird bathing suit. Our pool my summer days. Our grass the place for round-offs and back bends. The day I rode over pool's edge on bike. Its edge still my fear.  

 How easily I forget the warmth of Christ's presence. The moment He entered my room. My heart. An invitation for life. For love. How easily I forget. Time slipped past. I am nine hiding in the hollow of a tree down the street. Now conscious of evil that surrounds. The world I teach my daughter to sing of. His presence a true reality. Love's reality for my world, my need. I ask Him. I tell Him of my great need. The great need  I still have tonight. How easily I forget His presence, even in the hollow. We all forget.   

Un-welcomed darkness settles in. Thoughts become clouded. Mind wanders, the dark hovers. All can identify. Hands sift through memory's pile. Hands not my own. I recall memories not in photo books. I shift in darkness. Grab what brings light. Fill the silence with Truth. 'Come To Me' flows softly through the night.  Sweet thoughts warm my soul. His presence fills the air. Fills me. The only presence this heart knows to rest. I grab peace. The Word held tight to chest. His Word so meant for me. I know this place well. 

Mind peacefully drifts in love-coated dreams. He reminds me to think of Him in memories past. His presence always near. His voice the One I heard in hollow's days. His treasured moments kept locked inside. His power in knowing Truth. His power in presence. His Time. He is a God of Quality. The language of my soul.

He reminds me to think of Him in memories present. All darkness now rushed to the sea. His sea. Engulfed by waves of grace. He invites me to remember His presence and I recognize that great need again. He reminds me of my husband. His earthly reminder of my heavenly marriage with Him. My great need of my husband's presence. I am thankful. 

"For the Lord comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song." Isaiah 51:3 

We all remember. Remember His presence. His peace. His faithfulness. His Truth. He invites us to remember.  When darkness comes and mind falls prey, give not your will to Satan's way. The tempter has no power. Remember. Be faithful to remember. Lift eyes to light. Mind to truth. Ears to praise. Mouth to sing.  Point heart to sky. His presence will He usher in.