I stole this from my five-year old and altered her words. I normally hear, "I do, but I don't." Those five words have irked me more times than I care to share. "I do love you, mom, but I don't." "I do like it, but I don't." For the longest time, I made sure she knew that didn't make sense to me, but the more I hear it, the more I see it in myself. And it makes me think that maybe, just maybe she gets something I haven't quite grasped yet.
I trust God, but I don't. I love God, but I don't. I like the things of God, but I don't. I like the people of God, but I don't. I like people [in general], but I don't. I like His ways, but I don't. I get love, but I don't. I get there is a God, but I don't.
But I don't...
"Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:6
How does someone not believe in God? I've struggled with this question for months now. Hearing loved ones adamantly deny God's existence ruffles my feathers just a bit. Everything in this world screams God. We see it with our eyes, hear it in creation's song. He IS with every breath we take and yet somehow we take credit for that as well. It's just that this particular mindset doesn't sit well in the pit of my stomach. Kind of like that feeling you get when you develop relationship within friendship only to find it being discredited shortly after. You feel small, unimportant, and left behind. No longer wanted. To say that God does not exist is to attempt the dissolve of intimacy He longs to create. It's sad to me. It would be like me acknowledging the presence of my daughter one day and denying her existence the next. That would kill her. I know God's emotions are not like my own, but I would hate to know how He truly feels when we just throw Him by the wayside, never giving Him a chance.
But the more I think about it the more I see my own unbelief as no different and equally as sad. You see, if I didn't believe God existed than I wouldn't believe in His creation. (Gen. 1) Therefore, I wouldn't believe that He created me. That would mean that I have no concept of God. Common logic says that if I do not believe that God exists then I cannot have a view of Him. If I don't have a view of Him, then I cannot place any doubt in Him. If He doesn't exist, I never have to question Him. Never. (because I would believe He is not there, remember?)
However...If I do believe that God exists, but I do not believe that God rewards my seeking Him, you can label me a doubter. "I believe. Lord, help my unbelief." (Mark 9:23) This is just as bad, don't you think? If you verbally say you believe, but internally reject the blessing. [This is NOT what happened in Mark 9-just using the words as an example. You'll hear the rest in a few paragraphs.]
Believing in God's existence but not believing that His presence and power is meant for my personal life is, in essence, denying the opportunity to receive God as He desires to give of Himself. I'm not denying God's existence but I am denying His love. Denying the opportunity to experience His heart. Denying relationship. So, just like the atheist, I am denying God. It's rejection all over again.
This is harsh, I know. But stay with me.
God wants to respond to us. He wants to relate to us. Wants us to relate to Him. I think the first step in doing this, in walking in Truth, is to acknowledge our unbelief. Like the father in Mark 9, we must realize that man is limited in wisdom and power. Bringing his demon-possesed son to the disciples, he saw that though they loved and followed Jesus, it was only by the power of God through Jesus that this unclean spirit would be removed. You see, the father tried to find healing apart from Jesus, but nothing worked. Living his childhood at the reigns of this spirit, danger lurked with each step the boy took. It wasn't until the father asked Jesus for help, did this spirit leave the boy's body. If you read the account in scripture you'll notice that Jesus gave only one instruction. Believe.
I think it is important to point out that this father recognized, in that moment, that he believed just enough, but needed to be accountable for what hid beneath. Unbelief. It was that, "I believe, but I don't" moment. By acknowledging his unbelief, he communicated with Jesus that he needed help to fully believe because he wasn't strong enough to do it alone.
Like this father, it is important for us to take ownership for the true condition of our heart. Call our unbelief for what it is: sin. And then, ask for help, saying out lout to God, I believe in you, but help my unbelief. Unbelief is what makes us the greatest in need. Truth is, I find myself in need every day because every day I have to ask God to help my unbelief. He knows who we are, so let's be honest with Him. To say "I do, but I don't" says I desire to trust, to believe, but I desperately need help. I think God is okay with our honesty. Honesty builds relationships and in the end, it builds the intimacy God longs for us to experience.